I woke up in Violence. Two Hands were holding me while two other Hands were punching me. Around me it was black and cold and I saw about thirty staring Faces around me. Apathetic, curious Gazes in a Mixture of Disgust and Bloodlust. Three old Friends were in between them. Their Faces were partly cowardish and ashamed for letting their Friend fall. When the Fight was over, they picked me up and dragged me Home. It was the last I saw from them. It is interesting how sharp you can see all the Details of an Event while your Consciousness is slipping away. In the Crowd I recognized a Girl who I’d seen walking through Town regularly.
Endless Circles of Circles in a Room: I was lying on my Bed. Motionless. At the same Time moving forward in Acceleration, in a Tunnel. Turbulence. At the End of the Tunnel there was always Freedom, floating in open Air… At the same Time in my Room, sparsely lit. Cosmic Chaos.
I was working on a Painting; my Hands still dirty from the Day before. The Painting contained many Layers from being overpainted over and over again. My History contained in Layers of now unseen Visions.
Like Memories. One Year Before I was in Front of the same Painting. In a different Room. In a different Town. I had been working on this Painting before… It was like painting my own Life over and over again. The Board was too small to just contain only a small Fraction… The other Day I stumbled upon H. We had been very close Friends once in another Life. I still feel Friendship. Although our Friendship was lost a long Time ago. He only knew me the first 19 Years of my Life. The last ones of these were pretty hectic. It is funny to know when someone thinks of you, he sees an Image from Days long gone. I exist in many Realities. His Memory of Me is as real as is the current Me. Today I saw Me again. Upon Goodbye, we embraced.
Again in another Life, me and A, my dear best Friend were walking through Town. A had committed Suicide a few Years later. He was only 13 when he had laid himself on the Tracks of a coming Train. The Universe ended then. His. And Ours as well. I still think of him. How I betrayed our Friendship. Just a Couple of Days back I was standing in front of his Grave for the first Time in 34 years. His Mother was buried in the same Grave just two Years back. His Father’s Name was already engraved on the Stone, while still alive. I will always love you, A. My fragile Italian Friend with vibrant blue Eyes.
I’m confident one must catch the Moment when it passes by (excuse me for the Cliché...). When it's there, you get the Opportunity to step in or to let it pass by. But most likely, the Moment doesn’t come back. When it’s gone, an Opportunity is gone. The Moment is lost and later you can become aware that the new Moment is a lesser one because you’ve failed to see the Possibilities before. I, like every Person have to cope with Life, just as it comes. I can’t force my Way onto others, nor do I ever want that, or do that. I’m an incredibly energetic Person. Cosmic Turbulence needs to be managed in the right Way. The Outlet must be free. Channels must be prevented from being clogged to prevent Backlash. Of course, when working with other Musicians one often stumbles on Situations when Things don’t go as fast as I wish. This is Life and must be accepted. Patience is a wonderful Thing. However, when it comes to the Point that my creative Energy is being prevented from running freely, I must decide how to continue because it touches my personal Wellbeing.
Like said, I’ll never push other People. In the Past I fully accepted every Situation because I was unaware of the Consequences. I once had a Group in which I pulled the Car fully alone. It was a three Person Group, but the Others were fully passive and there was no Action to be expected from them. After quite some pursuing from my Side, I had to let go of it, despite the fact that a Music Label had just released a 7 inch and we were getting many Offers and interest from other interesting Labels. The Music was good and interesting; basically the creative Road was lying open and shiny before us, with many possibilities to take creative side Roads from there. After a while however it was like the Road was fading away and only an inpenetrable Wall was left before us. We had failed to grasp the Moment. The Energy was flowing away and it left me powerless and depressed. From that I’ve learned, that Acceptance of Life is good. But we also need to act according the Situation. The two Group Members had decided there was no need for connecting to the Moment and therefor to being able to connect to the next Moment. This was their good Right. But I should have acted according my own Believes.
Free Flow of Energy. In this Time, I sometimes, but very rarely, meet a Collaboration in which I instinctively feel there is a lot of Potency. Creative Potency. Sometimes however, the creative Partner fails to see this. Now my previous Experience is triggered. Still I believe in Freedom. But I need to act according the Situation. The Road is lying open, the Channels are fully open, a whole new beautiful Landscape is rolled out in front of me. Sometimes you must decide however to step into the Landscape alone. I prefer to do it together with my collaborative Partner, but if this Person can’t, for whatever fully legitimate Reason, I need to go on. Perhaps we will meet further down on the Road, perhaps not. Letting go is one of the Things, I admit, I’m not very good at. But sometimes the Moment asks for letting go. Then you need to continue the Road by yourself, being thankful of the Person who has walked beside you for a while but saying goodbye and perhaps hello later on. Who knows.
Life remains a lonely Road, but a beautiful one as well.